Secret #1: Confidence is Situational

Just because you are completely confident in teaching someONE how to work with an Excel Spreadsheet, that does NOT mean you are going to be equally as confident explaining it on a stage in front of 50 people. Having confidence is not a one time flip you switch. Confidence in you and your abilities and actions depends on what abilities you are demonstrating and actions you are taking at the time.

Secret #2 Confidence and Self Esteem are Different

Developing Confidence, which is the belief that you “Can Do This!”, is different than developing Self Esteem. Self Esteem is the belief that you are worth the effort that it will take to appear fearless, do what needs to be done even if you don’t know how, or take a risk. You can be confident in your ability to fire that person. You know the steps: the verbal, the verbal written, the written, and the “free up meeting”. Yet, you put it off because you don’t feel like you are valuable enough or what you need is valuable enough or important enough to stand up for and risk being wrong about in choosing to let this person go, or you don’t value yourself enough and think enough others like you to not worry about this person, who CHOSE to not do the job, not liking you when you let him or her go.

Secret #3: Faking It Til You Make It is… well, FAKE

Can I just tell you how much I struggle with this whole “fake it” idea?? I get it, but I don’t like it. Yes, putting a smile on your face will make you feel better. Yep, true. But if you stop there and just walk around with pom-poms attached to your body all the time, then the faking it becomes a habit not a gateway to feeling better. If what you are doing is saying “I’m great!” or “business if great!” or “things couldn’t be better!” or that you are “finer than frog hairs!”, but inside your head you say life sucks, then the voices in your head will win every time and what ends up coming out is some mixed message of silliness that people pick up on, but won’t tell you about. Stop faking it and find a way to truly feel better.

Secret #4: Work on It

Sounds simple, but consider how we are trained. We went to school and took pass fail tests. We had teachers who taught us things that we don’t use today, so why learn more stuff we’re not going to use. Why try to work on our confidence when there is really no reward or gold star that tells us we passed or made an A on something that only we are truly grading. Not so simple when you consider how we have been accustomed to working on things. This requires paying attention to the voices in your head. What garbage are they spewing at you and are you just believing everything you think? Hmmm… work on it.

Secret #5 Stop Saying You Know That Already

When I teach executive level leaders, occasionally I will get accused of saying things that are somewhat simplistic. But sure enough, every single time, a high level executive will then chime in and say something like “Well, if you know that Bob (or Suzie) then why aren’t you doing it and teaching your employees how to do the same thing?” It works better when they say it, though I am usually thinking it. Yes, we know to drink 8 glasses of water a day. Do we? Yes, we know that our confidence is important to our leadership. Do we do anything about it or just call it fluffy. I get that you know it intellectually, but knowing and doing are two different things.

Secret #6: Be Your Own Best Motivator

Whether you say things like “I feel the Need for Speed!” and mimic Tom Cruise’s bravado in Top Gun or you play “Simply the Best” by Tina Turner of “Eye of the Tiger” from Rocky, to pump you up, just do that: pump YOU up. Instead of being the best and most talented and breaking yourself down or beating yourself up, install your own motivational speech or coach in your head. Don’t know what that sounds like, call us and we can give you some pointers. After all, we speakers have to do it for ourselves before every engagement, too! Remind yourself what you do well, how good you are, how much talent you have, and even if you have to find a microscope to see it… all the things that you have done right up to this point. Enough already with the “my own worst critic”, like that’s a label we should strive to uphold!

Secret #7: Remember They Are Watching You

If you have children this is not a new concept, but even if you do have children, we often forget to apply this to our job. Those you lead are watching every move you make and every move you make, everything you say, do, believe and perceive, rubs off on them. Employees are like impressionable children in some respects and everything you do is Contagious. They catch it and then give it to others, such as your customers. As you develop your own sense of Contagious Confidence, those you lead will watch your actions, your development, and your improvement so you’ll actually be developing you and others simultaneously.

You can do this and those you lead, including the voices in your head, will be ever so glad you did. Stay Contagious!

As you may have guessed, I’m a movie fan. In fact, I think I’ve about decided that in another life I must have been a movie critic as I am one of these goof balls who will go to a movie any night of any week and preferably on opening night of whatever the movie is. I love the movies (oh, and the popcorn, an occassional pretzel and twizzlers!) and believe it or not, in most of them, I take notes. Yep, I’m just weird, but I digress…

In the original Nanny McPhee movie, as well as Nanny McPhee returns, both written and starred in by Emma Thompson, this “army of nannies” who is not hired, but “deployed”, a rather frightful looking nanny arrives on the scene with 5 lessons to teach. What if we were that clear on what our five lessons to teach were when we got promoted into leadership? Hmmm…

In the first movie, her lessons were:

1) go to bed when you are told
2) get up when you are told
3) Listen
4) get dressed when you are told

and I had to imagine, what if our sole goal in life was to ensure that employees arrived on time, punched out on time to prevent overtime, did what we asked, and listened to our instructions, while we listened to their feedback? Might be a nice place to work.

However, in the second movie, when she “returns” at the request of a child she “Nannied” (is that a verb) in the first movie, her lessons have become a bit more advanced. In this movie, the lessons are:

1) Stop Fighting
2) Share with Each Other
3) Help Each Other
4) Be Brave
5) Have Faith

These lessons got me thinking even more. In other words, it sounds to me that if she were talking to leaders, she might be saying:

1) Eliminate office negativity and back biting and taking things personally all the time in our communication

2) Look out for the team members and give more than you expect to get; share knowledge; share resources

3) Be a mentor who values group accomplishment over singular achievement; the efforts of the whole is greater than the sum of the individual parts or contributions; help those you lead when you coach them instead of telling how much they messed up

4) Know that tough times make you stronger and that fear is something you stare down and move through, not something that is supposed to stop you in your tracks.

5) Believe in yourself; believe in those you lead; trust your instincts and have a sense of Contagious Confidence

So, if it is possible to learn leadership from a magical, ficticious nanny, then I think we’ve accomplished a sixth lesson in this post:

6) Pay Attention

Stay Contagious!

In fact, you ARE ALL of those personality preferences. Yes, you have ALL four of the standard Jungian personality preferences floating around in your head. We refer to them as Commander, Organizer, Relater and Entertainer when working with clients and using the CORE(R) Profile. The key is to be aware of them, see how much you use each one, and figure out what preferences those you lead are using on a daily basis. With a little awareness and a few insights, you can dramatically improve the communication in your office and signifcantly reduce the back biting and carrying on and gossip that rises high in times of stress.

Got any stress in your office these days? Maybe it’s time to invest a bit in learning about you and those you lead. If you do, you will discover the real reason that that employee can’t stay focused. It’s not that they’re not listening its that they have too many ideas in their head and every five minutes the smallest distraction… SQUIRREL! … knocks them off track, followed by the 7 or so minutes it takes to regain momentum once they’re interupted. Oy! To keep from being frustrated by the differences, these are the three things you want to learn about YOU first, and then about THEM.

1. Learn How They See Themselves
If you can help someone determine how they see themselves, they will then have a more clear picture of why they do what they do and react the way they react. What do you think might be more effective and motivating: someone finding out for themselves why they do something or you telling them why YOU think they do certain things? I’m voting for the first option.

2. Learn How They Actually Behave
There is a vast amount of difference in how someone sees themselves and how they actually behave. For most, it is called conditioned behaviors, particularly if one’s perception of themselves is almost the opposite or different than how they are seen to behave. Conditioned behaviors create unhappy employees and stressed employees who go home and kick the cat or stay and yell at the customer. If you could do one thing to relieve long term stress at the office, it’s not going to be giving a pay raise, but more so the understanding of why someone operates the way they do. If they know WHY they do what they do, then THEY can control it with less coaching, a better attitude, and less money needed to motivate change. Hmmm…

3. Examine How They Handle Stress on an Average Day
We’ve all developed a reasonable way of coping with stress. At least I assume so or we’d all be postal. However, the final graph of the CORE Profile literally shows what behaviors and in what order they are used on an average day with increasing amounts of stress throughout the day. It shows when someone shifts from kind leader to napoleonic dictator and from fun-loving good sport to drama queen. It also shows when someone “loses it” and what triggers that and is the very graph that every time I facilitate a profile, gets me accused of having installed cameras in the office. Figure out how they handle stress and you can share action items for improvement. Figure out how they behave and why and they will then WANT to know what those action steps are. Doesn’t coaching go MUCH better when the person you are coaching WANTS the information you promise to share?

Lead, Follow, or Squirrel is an idea that is about more than just minor distractions, it’s hits home to the core of what you do every day as a leader. You lead people who look to you for guidance, direction, motivation, inspiration, and development. If you’re going to lead them well and operate as an effective Contagious Leader, then you must meet them where they are and communicate with them in a way that they understand, as well as help them give themselves permission to be who they are… even those that are temporarily distracted SQUIRREL!… by shiny things.

Even if you’re the President of a large country, a popular CEO, or just the leader of your own business, or voices in your head for that matter, chances are you are not ever going to be the perfect leader or perfect your leadership. But the fact that this title caught your eye, tells me something about our own need for perfection, so let’s see if we can get close, which is really the best you can do…

Pillar #1: Do the Best You Can Daily
Do your best to be the real you. Do your best to mitigate and cope with stress in such a way that you are not showing all kinds of negative, knee jerk reactions to people all day long. Do your best to leave that broom you may have ridden to work in its proper parking space outside the building. Do your best to understand accurately the perceptions you see. Do your best to build relationships that let you see those you lead in a way that is real, authentic, and true to their nature, versus what you might want them to be. Do your very best every day.

Pillar #2:  Engage in Active Learning
Leading well merely means you have enough knowledge, skills, resources, and sense to be at least one step ahead of the development of those you lead. If you stay consistently behind them, a new leader will emerge and the effect of that will become problematic and negatively Contagious, frankly. Learn all you can about your industry so you can share that knowledge. Learn all you can about those you lead so you can transfer knowledge and skill faster in a language they understand. Learn all you can about trends and cycles that may be coming so you can proactively prepare – again preventing a knee jerk fire drill mode that may not come across reflecting you in your best light.

Pillar #3: Remain Coachable
The most powerful leaders learn from many sources, including those they lead. If you’re belief is that you’re way is the best way without ever questioning the path you’re on, that is okay fora time. What is not okay, is forging a path with blinders on and ignoring the road signs, the detours, the flashing red neon arrows from those you lead – including customers, employees, and even the voices in your own head. In Contagious Leadership, we talk about how those who work the problems every day are closer to thie issues than you are and should be sought out for guidance or help on a regular basis. Are you coachable even from an employee who might know more about something than you? Who knew?

Pillar #4: Have Balance
I’ve taught many a Contagious Conference on Balance and one of the first things I say is that seeking perfect balance is a myth and outright lie – much like seeking perfect leadership. However, and it is a BIG however, having some modicum of balance, a semblance of a life, and some outside activities not related to your work, your job, or your business, is critical to survival. You can’t be a creative visionary or contagious leader if you’re always “head down” or “nose to the grindstone”. You’ll literally grind the very creativity out of yourself and all forward progress will begin to grind to a halt when you are forced to take the time to recover from being completely crispy. Have a life and if you don’t have one, go out and get you one.

Leave the pursuit of perfection on the sidewalk of life and jump on the journey of growth. That’s  a catchy littly pithy phrase, but here it seems to apply. Stay Contagious!

If you’ve not read Contagious Leadership, you might miss the subtlety of that statement. Those employees that, until now, you’ve called “my employees” or “my team” or “my people”, are not in fact YOURS. They are people with brains of their own who somehow managed to function in their world before your magnanimous arrival. So, they are those you have the privilege of leading or the team of people you lead.

However, with that, comes a focus on thier needs and who they are as people. Do you meet these people where they are when you talk with them? Or do you talk at them, bark orders, expect them to hang on every word, and do as they are told? Hmmm… if that’s your modus operandai, then you are literally training the initiative right out of these folks. Yet most managers deeply desire a team of folks who can think on their own, exhibit good judgement, and make great decisions without bothering you every five minutes with the famous phrase “have you gotta sec?” It’s not that you don’t want to be bothered, though sometimes it is, but more that you really don’t have the time to micro-manage due to the myriad of other responsibilities on your plate.

What I suspect you really want is to say something profound and scintillating that reaches that employee where they live, penetrates their barriers to learning, and falls soundly in that area of their mind in which they completely “get it” and can go forthe and conquer. Yes? This is the lightbulb effect and it can be achieved by understanding how you communicate, how they communicate, and listening to the results of your attempt to mesh the two successfully.

In our office, we use a tool called the CORE(R) Profile that facilitates this understanding and dramatically increases the awareness of one’s own behavior and preferences, giving each participant of this profile ownership of their own data and motivation to make changes so that they understand you better. It’s almost like a “coach in a box” as it makes your job so much easier. You take it, you become aware of your preferences and how you sound and why you do what you do. They take it and experience the same thing. Now you have two people with awareness of their behavior and styles, working to make sure that each message comes across in a way that is mutually understood. The chances of increasing your lightbulb effect frequency in this type of environment just got multiplied by a factor of …well, about 100!

If you want to complete a CORE(R) Profile, go to www.contagiouscoaching.com and click on CORE Profile in the top blue bar.

In the meantime, make a note of the times today when you create a “lightbulb effect”. Did they get it? How did you do that? Is it repeatable? And was it contagious?

If it’s an “innie” and you look inward to monitor your own behavior against your own measure of what is right or wrong for you, appropriate or inappropriate, successful or not quite there, then you’ve got skills. Keep that up and at the same time, resist the temptation to be too hard on or too impatient with yourself. I must say I speak from experience here, but I think all contagious Leaders with a sense of Contagious Confidence have likely been here once or twice at a minimum.

However, if your confidence is an “outie” and you look for others to tell you if you’re okay or worthwhile or not, here are a few reasons to discontinue that practice and make some worthwhile modifications:

1. Looking outward subjects you to the needs and paths of other people. Most people have a hard time separating what they need from what might be best for you. They don’t typically do it intentionally, but they will reinforce in you what they really want for themselves.  Why not just be you and trust your own instincts about what works best for you in most cases?

2.Looking outward gives others control. Now if you are a control freak, this may be a big problem for you, but even if you don’t attend Control Freaks anonymous meetings, why would you give someone else control over your own life, your own path, and much less your own impression of your self worth?

3.Looking outward creates instability. Do you really want your sense of confidence and whether or not you like yourself, think you can do great things, or think you are a great person to be subject to the mood of whomever you’re asking that day? We all have bad days and ups and downs so relying on others to tell you if you’re great or not will depend on whether or not they are in the mood to comply or agree or lift you up. That is a shaky foundation upon which to build your confidence level and candidly, just like your mood is contagious, if someone rode their broom into work, you don’t want that to rub off on you inadvertently, too, do you?

For these reasons and many others, consider being an “innie”. Consider deriving your own sense of self worth and confidence from your internal knowing and beliefs that you are wonderful and worth while and frankly, able to conquer the world. The truth is you can do, be or have anything you want if only you will believe you can.

Monica's dog "Scotch" met a new friend today!

So, on our walk, I learned something from Scotch. We were on a road next to a field where there are several gopher turtle beds. These are protected little turtles and seemingly inocuous and innocent creatures (though I have noticed how fast they move when they see Scotch coming to play!) One was out of his burrow and right next to the road and Scotch about went bonkers. This is an 80 pound dog who doesn’t know his own strength and he bounds over to the turtle to sniff it out. I am hoping he isn’t going to pick it up and hand to me to play fetch like he does nearly everything else. Instead for about five minutes, I let him investigate. His hair is up on the back of his neck, he’s ready to pounce or play and jumps every time the turtle moves a muscle. But, here’s where the lesson came. After his complete and undivided attention to the turtle, assessing it’s threat status, he then seems to say “Hmm. No big deal.” and then prances off so that we could continue our walk. Mind you this was on mile 1, so on mile 2, I walked him by the very same spot and he sniffed (the turtle having made a completely clean get a way) for a moment and moved on.

What if we did this every time there was something new or a perceived threat? What if we as Contagious Leaders could help those we lead adopt this same kind of philosophy? Instead we talk about it, share our fears with others, make the story grow in the form of gossip and give it all of our attention for days. How much are we missing if we look at whatever the percieved threat is, assess it as nothing, but keep looking back at it and coming back to that spot just to make doubly sure? Wouldn’t it be better if we moved on with our eyes forward looking for either the next threat or maybe even the next opportunity?

I don’t think I”ll sign up Scotch to teach any advanced level Leadership classes, but I am curious what he’ll teach me tomorrow.

Patience isn’t something you hurry or rush into. Obviously. So wanting it now is a bit of an oxymoron or set up in irony. However, how often have we wanted to just sit back, await great things, and go with the flow? I wish for it a lot, but what I do instead is quite different. I struggle, fight, fuss, and try to force things to happen now all while wishing I were a more patient person. Well, that’s just silly and going with the flow takes… well, letting go. How do you do that?

Timing Is Important

Timing is important for your patience development.

Have you ever noticed that when you let things happen as you gain the knowledge or as it seems “they are supposed to” or “when they occur naturally” that they often work out even better than you might have planned? It seems to hold true. For example, If you had rushed that coaching conversation with Suzie, she wouldn’t have made the great sale first and given you a chance to celebrate while giving feedback, a much easier conversation. Come up with some times in which you know the timing of events was important and remind yourself of those the next time you want to push and rush. Then sit back, let go and release the need to force things.

Forced Behaviors Never Fair as Well as Those That Flow

How much faster do you get things done when you are in the zone? My guess is at a rather rapid rate and with much more satisfying results. Allow yourself the time and attitude to get in the zone before you kick things into high gear. If you are forcing your own behavior, it will not go as well, it will feel like drudgery, and you will become impatient. Find that zone and let it flow out of you as if your energy is endless.

Know When to Lead Yourself and When to Get Out of the Way

Okay, I get it. Sometimes we do just have to muster up the strength to make tough decisions, eat that frog (so to speak), or do those things we don’t like. However, keep in mind the difference between having to overcome fear and procrastination and listening to when your instincts are telling you now is NOT the right time to do that. The difference is subtle at first and gets louder with practice. Lead yourself to “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” (great book by Susan Jeffers!) and listen to those instincts when they tell your brain to hush and follow your gut.

I’ve about decided patience is a learned skill for those of us who prefer to “do” stuff regularly. It’s almost like we “doers” spend a great deal of time bragging about how busy we are, how stressed we feel, and how much we’ve tried to cram into one day! We even think that somehow Type A is a compliment, when it was actually the label given to the dead people in a Stress induced death study done in the 70s. But the ones who get it seem to get much less wrapped around the axle about the small stuff. They really don’t sweat the small stuff and they really do seem happier with their own sense of patience, timing, and trust. So how do you learn patience, well you just let go, like now… like right now… let go and go with the flow.

Chime In: What could you become more patient about by letting go of a need to force or control?

Feel like the pits or like your life is the bowl?

If you’ve heard the phrase “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” and you believed it, this blog’s for you. Infomercials and the tackiest of car salesmen aside, why do we assume that things cannot be wonderful?  Your instincts don’t lie, but your brain sure does.

To further complicate matters, if you have lost confidence in your instincts, you end up listening to the loudest voices in your head. Ever go against what you knew to be true (i.e. your instincts), because your brain said you should? Exactly how well did that work out for you? hehe! If that’s happened to you, it’s time to boost your belief in you and here are a few ideas.

Pay Attention to How You Feel.

Most of the time, if you don’t feel good about something your instincts are telling you it’s not a good choice for you. That person you want to hire, who creates that feeling that something’s just not right, is probably not a good choice. Good feelings, positive emotions, usually mean good choices, if you’re really paying attention to how you feel, versus what you think you should do. Stop “shoulding” all over yourself,  as I’ve often heard!

Increase Your Confidence by Saying No

We all know the feeling of having said yes, but really wanting to say no and usually we say yes because we don’t’ know what else to say. You don’t have to say “no” or be ugly about your response. Just say “Something about this doesn’t feel right for me” and if someone says “Why?” you can always say “I’m not sure.” You will feel better about having stood up for what you need or believe in and for not having offended the other person.

Get Happy

Decisions and choices when you feel like the pit of a cherry instead of viewing your world as a merry bowl of cherries, usually lead to negative results. Start finding things to appreciate or feel good about and your feelings will improve as well as your contagious confidence level, your ability to “hear” what’s important to you, and your ability to follow your own instincts.

When you know you’re one gifted, talented, amazing, and wonderfully smart “cookie”, not only do you find yourself surrounded by others who share these traits, your confidence becomes contagious!

So what do you need to say no to or get happy about?

My father once said that “Wisdom is something you gain from the experience of others.” Doesn’t that sound a lot better than having to learn it the hard way? We don’t have to know it all and in order to gain some wisdom and some clarity and some hindsight, cheat, so to speak, and follow these steps:

Ask someone who has Been there, Done that.

Hindsight and lessons learned are what prompted me to write Contagious Leadership in the first place. I made so many mistakes and the biggest one is I very rarely asked for help. Find a mentor or a person who has done the role you now have, well, and ask their advice. Most often people love to share what they have learned and you don’t always have to TAKE their advice, but it adds to your perspective.

Become an Observer.

While it’s true that we all learn differently and that only about 20% of the population is what we call kinesthetic learners, who must learn by doing, there is something to be said for watching how it’s done before you launch into your own trial and error experiment. When leading people, trial and error can have some detrimental and truly contagious ripple effects. Why not step back, take a seat, and watch someone else to see what works and what didn’t? Keep in mind, once you observe, you will need to get out of the bleachers and take action, but if you’ll become a student of others first, the actions you take will have more positive results than diving in and doing with simply no clue of your possible outcomes.

Find a coach.

If we have a medical issue, we go to a doctor. We usually don’t assume what we find on Wikipedia will substitute for a medical degree. We ask an expert. When our car breaks down, we might look online a little, but at the end of the day, if it stops the car from moving, we find an expert. In business, why is this so different? If you’ve never been a manager before or a business owner before and what you are doing is stopping the business from moving, why wouldn’t you seek out an expert who has done what you need to do and pay them for their expertise?

With each of these steps, you’ll find valuable information. With each of these steps you’ll learn from someone else’s wisdom. It’s not cheating really, it’s called growth and a gaining of hindsight ahead of time. After all, those people who taught you to walk and talk, you listened to and learned from by observing, testing, and trusting their expertise, as they were telling you with language what to do from that standing up and walking position.

Chime In!

How have you benefitted from coaching, others’ wisdom and gained hindsight ahead of time?